Oh my. What can I say but Oh My.
First, the menu:
Sweet Onion Tartlets
Prosciutto Wrapped Figs
Garlic and Herbed Early Peas and French Beans
Buttermilk Mashed Potatoes
Roasted Butter Herb Turkey
Turkey Dripping Gravy
Sweet Biscuit Wreath
Doesn't sound so bad, huh? Don't let the menu fool you. This is, after all, semi-homemade
SWEET ONION TARTLETS: Starts off good. Caramelized vidalia onions and a normal savory custard. But then she has to toss in the Golden Onion Soup packet (not necessary - if you need a little chiken or beef flavor, use a little thickened stock) and Monterey Jack Cheese (I would have used Gruyere or Swiss - those are more compatible). On the 1-5 scale, 1 being retching in the bathroom and 5 being shocked that she got something right, I would actually give this recipe a 3.5 - 4. It's really not bad and easy to fix.
PROSCIUTTO WRAPPED FIGS: Again, not bad, Sandy Lou. There's the small matter of the honey and pumpkin pie spice glaze, but that is easily fixed by simply pretending she didn't fuck up the recipe by adding some crappy glaze. I give this recipe a 3 - for the glaze and because figs belong in newtons.
CRANBERRY MOLDS: Hope she isn't inviting kids to her dinner because these are basically choking hazard jello shots in 4 inch molds. Seriously: cranberry juice cocktail, sugar-free cranberry gelatin, orange flavored vodka, whole berry cranberry sauce, orange zest, chopped pecans, fresh cranberries and mint for garnish. As a shooter, I give it a 4 (loss of a point for the pecan choking hazard), as a side dish, I give it a 2.
GARLIC AND HERBED EARLY PEAS AND FRENCH BEANS: What a treat. Frozen veggies! Half and Half! Cognac! A packet of garlic herb sauce mix! Salt and Pepper! Yum yum yum. And then she claims it's better than the usual green bean casserole. Yeah, but only because of the booze, you bubble headed blonde lush! I give it a 2 because, hey, it's the holidays.
ROASTED BUTTER HERB TURKEY: Again with the packets of high sodium crap. The garlic herb sauce makes a reappearance, and something called fresh herbs poultry herb blend. And because it's just too difficult to take a tukey's temp with a real thermometer, she recommends a plastic pop up one. Still, despite the packets of crap, it's OK. I give the turkey a 3. It's nothing special, but it won't kill you. Most likely. The gravy was fairly normal, but she added more poutry seasoning to it.
BUTTERMILK MASHED POTATOES: OK, this is scary. A bag of frozen roasted potatoes (basically fancy french fries), a packet of alfredo sauce mix, buttermilk, butter, chives, all mashed together. I give this a 1. On the food network site, they show actual potatoes used, but NO NO NO. SHE USED FANCY FRENCH FRIES AND MASHED THEM UP WITH LOTS OF NASTY SHIT!!!! I SAW IT. OK. I'm calm now.
CORNBREAD DRESSING: I have no words. Well, I do, but none of them are particularly nice. Egg, chicken broth, store brought cornbread, frozen diced onions, Italian Herb Marinade Mix (packet, of course), water chestnuts (which she seems to think are the same as regular chestnuts, but Nat King Cole didn't sing about Water Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire... but I digress), creamed corn, and Monterey Jack Cheese. Yes. Monterey Jack Cheese. With creamed corn. And water chestnuts. in a corn bread base. Excuse me, the porcelain god calls.
SWEET BISCUIT WREATH: Not sure WHERE or WHEN it's supposed to be served. On the show, she said it was the bread on the table. But who wants to eat leaf shaped biscuits rolled in sugar and pumpkin pie spice as part of dinner? Ands frankly, it's not that appealing as dessert either, especially with the slop in a crock pot she has prepared for that course.
MAYFLOWER MARTINI: Pfft, Cranberry martini, complete with choking hazard fresh cranberry garnish.
INDIAN PUDDING: Yes, Sandra Lee. The Indians... er... Native Americans certainly loved to fire up the crock pot, fill it with INSTANT butterscotch pudding, INSTANT corn muffin mix, milk, molasses, eggs, cinnamon, and ginger and cook all that instant stuff for three hours.
At least her table looked less assy than usual.